Being attracted to unstable partners is often not due to their exceptional qualities, but rather because the uncertainty itself amplifies emotional responses. This phenomenon in psychology is related to intermittent reinforcement — when rewards appear irregularly, behaviours become harder to stop.
How intermittent reinforcement works
If someone always replies to you immediately, your emotions remain stable. However, if they are sometimes very enthusiastic and other times disappear for days, you will find yourself constantly checking your phone. This pattern causes the brain to link ‘waiting’ with ‘anticipating rewards’, resulting in deeper investment and greater difficulty in detaching — similar to the mechanics of gambling.
Familiarity can be misinterpreted as suitability
People tend to be attracted to interaction patterns that feel ‘familiar’, even if those patterns are painful. If past experiences of intimate relationships have been characterised by hot and cold behaviour, a stable and calm relationship may feel ’emotionless’. This does not mean the other person is unsuitable; it simply indicates that the brain equates familiarity with suitability.
Pursuit creates a sense of investment
In psychology, there is a concept known as ‘effort justification’: people tend to overestimate the value of things they believe they have worked hard to obtain. The harder you chase, the more likely you are to feel that the other person is worth it — but this assessment stems from your effort, not from the other person themselves.
How to Distinguish Between 'Feeling' and 'Being Moved'
A practical way to discern this is to ask yourself whether you feel relaxed during your time together. A truly suitable relationship typically brings calmness and a sense of security; whereas a relationship that moves you emotionally tends to have significant ups and downs — highs that are very high and lows that are very low. Intensity does not equal depth, and fluctuations do not equate to love.
If this pattern recurs with different partners, it often reflects your own attachment style more than it reflects who the other person is. This aspect is worth discussing with a professional.